This has been a hard winter for me. I think the lack of sunshine has really affected my mood. I lack energy and enthusiasm for things that usually bring me joy. The days seem to drag by and Evan and I find ourselves bored and fighting most days lately. Glen is working six to seven days a week for twelve hour shifts and I am doing the single parent thing. It’s what we need to do right now to save money and I need to be okay with that.
I was writing articles for the Molly Green Magazine but lately I have writers block. I don’t want to write articles, my blog, or anything really. I lack consistency with posting on my blog and I wonder why I even have one? What’s the point of it really? There are lots of homesteading blogs out there so what do I have to offer that hasn’t already been done. Plus, it’s not like we have animals like most homestead blogs do. See what I mean? Bad attitude…
I tried the Trim Healthy Mama diet and it was a nightmare. I can honestly say it is the hardest thing I have ever tried to follow. So, I joined Weight Watchers online for the hundred ga-zillionth time. I am down four pounds already. I need to eat food that my family wants to eat. I need to eat real foods in the appropriate portion sizes. Fad diets don’t work. I don’t want to cut out bread, pasta, beans, and all that stuff. I like potatoes! God made them! I want to learn to eat all things in moderation.
We are keeping up with our school schedule and that’s a good thing. This is usually the time of the year when I want to change up our entire curriculum because I am bored with it. I am persevering this year. I am trying to practice follow-through. It’s a bad habit of mine to start things and not finish them. Evan has this same tendency.
I colored my hair today. I am really trying to embrace the natural thing. I just can’t bring myself to do it yet. I’m not ready to have grey hair at thirty-eight. I just hate spending money on it! It seems so frivolous and unnecessary but lifts my spirits a bit.
I have a tendency to get on these kicks of feeling low. I feel like I am not giving enough of myself to God’s work. Not enough money, time, or prayer. I struggle with spending money on myself, and when I do I either return it or feel guilty for days after. Do I really need hairspray when kids are starving to death everyday? I just feel like a lot of material things that we think we need are not necessary. I buy them because I get a little high from it but it doesn’t last long until the guilt creeps in.
As a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom what can I really do right now to further God’s Kingdom? I feel like if I am not serving orphans in a third world country I am not doing my part. Can this be true? I feel like I was born into a country that is rich and I am considered rich in comparison with most of the world. Am I using my resources wisely? Why should I get to tuck my child in every night with a nice house with heat and an indoor bathroom while mothers across the globe are sleeping on dirt and have no food to feed their babies. And spare me the prosperity gospel because I don’t believe in it. I am also not ‘blessed.’ If I am blessed because of what I have (material wise) does that mean those other mothers are not? Does God choose to bless some believers and not others? No, it means they were just born into different circumstances than me.
This is where I am these days. Wrestling with myself and God. Wrestling with being overweight when people are starving. Wrestling with having so much compared to so many others. Wrestling with stupid things like wasting money on hair color. Wrestling.
Come soon, spring. I need to feel warmth, sunshine, and get my garden growing. I need to have that renewed hope that spring brings. When all that is dead becomes alive again. When things grow and turn green and give you hope. I am going to keep asking myself tough questions because I feel I need to. I never want to stand before my Lord and have Him say, “Away from me, I never knew you.”